me,myself & i

Wrapped in White Linen

Sara — Tue, 07 Jun 2011 03:23:36 +0000

She woke to the sound of church bells ringing and a man standing silently at the foot of her bed.

She’d seen him before but she wasn’t sure where.

He was more than a shadow yet less than all there.

She shut her eyes tight and counted to ten but when she opened them up she could still see his grin.

She started to speak but he raised a finger to his lips.

She started to scream because she knew this was it.

But it wasn’t at all like she thought it would be.

There wasn’t much fear, just a longing to leave.

He moved closer beside her and knelt eye to eye.

She looked in his face and asked him why.

He laughed before saying ” Because it’s your time.”

She knew he was right. He had no reason to lie.

“What happens next?” she asked of the man.

He turned for a moment and she saw he had wings.

“You get to choose.” he said without losing his grin.

She smiled in return. This made her heart sing.

She knew just exactly how she wanted to die.

She’d known all along since the time of a child.

In a drawer by her bed was a knife that she’d bought.

Wrapped in white linen. It had been there a while.

The handle was sterling with a single blue stone.

The blade was blue steel,so cold to the touch.

It was perfectly sharpened. Of that she’d made sure.

On the day that she bought it, asking just such.

The man with the wings must have seen in her mind.

He opened the drawer and removed it ever so slowly.

The white linen fell, floating to the floor.

He raised the knife to his lips and spoke very lowly.

It was a blessing of some type. A ritual of sorts.

He heard in her mind again and said “I’m making it holy.”

She coudn’t understand the words that he spoke.

But felt a calmness settle over her totally.

Without saying a word he raised the knife high.

Then plunged it deep in her heart as a way to be kind.

Before the blade pierced her skin she’d seen her life pass

in beautiful flashes before her own eyes.

Even in death there was such great beauty.

Killer of Stars

Sara — Mon, 16 May 2011 02:55:11 +0000

She walked all day as the sky changed from blue to grey only stopping to rest as she was swallowed by nightfall. A storm was approaching and clouds obscured most of the heavens… but a single tiny star shone brightly above like a brilliant diamond against black velvet. She hated it for being there. It was ruining everything. There was no place for it in her life and she took her hands, made the shape of a gun, pulled the trigger, and watched it fall. She wondered if anyone else saw its descent and laughed knowing if so… they would smile… and make a wish… on a shooting star she had just killed in cold blood. Their wish would be lost, wasted like so many of her own, and this thought made her smile for the first time in days. It was good to be God.

Written in Pencil

Sara — Mon, 02 May 2011 22:35:36 +0000

Sometimes I wish I was written words on paper. A note of some kind abandoned and blown by the wind to some place I’d be found. Someone would read the message I brought so maybe I should be written in pencil. Then they could change the things they didn’t like with the use of a simple eraser. Perhaps when done they would crumple it up and throw it away all over again sending it free to end up in the company of another who would read it and change it to fit their own needs as well. Each time the note changed hands a part of me would disappear. By the end of the journey there might be nothing left of me.But what if the person that found it the first time read it and smiled then folded it up and stuck it in their pocket? Changing nothing but keeping it safe forever. Perhaps even taking a pen and tracing the words with ink to protect them from slowly fading away off the page giving me the freedom to be me forever.

The Stalker’s Poem

Sara — Fri, 01 Apr 2011 15:22:14 +0000

You’re gone.So what?

Did you think that I’d care?

Did you think that I’d miss you?

More than pain?

More than air?

Did you think I would crumble and crawl back again?

Beg for your attention?

Beg to be just your friend?

If you only knew just how little it would take.

If you only knew..for me..what is at stake.

Would you be the one to reach out your hand?

Would you be the one to give a damn?

Could we be the ones that re-write the past?

Could we be the ones that give more than one chance?

Or will we be the ones that cease to exist?

The ones that pretend.

The ones that give in… to not giving in.

Hollow

Sara — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 15:40:56 +0000

Be quiet and you can hear it, too.

Whispered like words from a fading breath.

Be still and you can feel it, too.

The dying of a soul that’s giving in.

But don’t follow me there as I enter the dark no light can reach.

Don’t follow me there as I enter the depths of no release.

Stay away and save your tomorrows.

You know I hear it, too.

You know I feel it, too.

You know I won’t stop it this time.

You know it is only me…. going hollow.

Fragments(18)

Sara — Sun, 27 Feb 2011 03:16:02 +0000

I stood up and walked back inside the tunnel. I stopped briefly by my area, but only long enough to grab the backpack off the floor. I continued on through the back exit to the part of the river where Morgan and I had spent our last few hours together. At 11:00am it was already hot and a swim sounded like a good way to spend some time and would keep me away from Kyle. At the bank I stripped off my clothing, permanently stained with Leo’s blood, and threw them in first. Another washing still wouldn’t remove it but I had the one change of clothing I could put back on, if I had to, while these at least had time to dry out properly. I jumped in behind the clothes and let the water engulf me. Only when I surfaced for air did I notice I wasn’t alone. She was sitting on a rock somewhat hidden by a willow tree watching me. Her name was Sam. At least that’s what she called herself anyway. Short for Samantha? Who knew. She mostly kept to herself and I didn’t really know much about her. “You’re Sam, right? If you want to come in we can wash your clothes, too. Do you have any extra? It shouldn’t take long for these to dry in this heat if you don’t.” She kept her gaze on me for a few minutes, remaining silent, then slowly rose and began to undress. I turned away to give her privacy knowing it wouldn’t take much to frighten her away. When I heard a splash I knew she had jumped in and only then did I turn back around in her direction. After a few seconds she resurfaced for air but I kept my silence. I had made the first move and it was best to let her interact with me in her own way. She took her clothes from the bank and washed them in the river as I had done with my own and then laid them on a rock in the sun to dry. As she re-entered the water I was surprised when she spoke. “You’re the one that gets the food.” It was more of a statement than a question but I nodded my head yes. “God sends me recipes and I keep them in my head. One day I’m going to leave this place and I’ll write a recipe book. I already know what I’m going to name it. Do you want to know what it is?” Again I nod my head yes. “Devine Recipes. Do you like it?” I thought for a moment before answering “Yes, that sounds perfect if the recipes come from God. How does he send them to you?” She laughed, ”Oh, he talks to me all the time. He whispers them in my ear. Before I came here he used to send me money in the mail just when I needed it most. One time I gave all of my money to the whore on the corner. Do you know the one?” I shake my head no this time. “”The brunette one that always wears the boots. She needed it so I gave her all that I had. I didn’t know what I was going to do but the next day I got a check in the mail from God for $1500.” I wasn’t sure what to say but I had to say something to keep the dialogue with her going. “He doesn’t send you money anymore?” She rolled her eyes with exasperation before saying “No, silly. How could he? We don’t have any mailboxes here.” I sank back under the water more out of the need to give myself a few moments to collect my thoughts than for any other reason. When I came to the top she continued on with the conversation. “He taught me how to make ice cream. It’s a special kind of ice cream. Want to know why it’s special?” I nodded yes. “It doesn’t melt. You don’t even have to keep it in the freezer if you don’t want to. I’m going to get a patent on it. I will call it Instant Gratification. Kids can’t eat it. It’s only for adults. Don’t ever give any to a child.” “Why?” I asked. “I don’t know.” she replied “But that’s what he told me.” This time it was her that sank below the surface and I was left for a moment to contemplate what she had said. She popped back up quickly and for someone I had never heard speak before she was a virtual chatterbox. “You have a lovely aura. It’s bright and shiny. I can see everyone’s aura and some people here have ones that scare me. I like yours, though. Some days everyone looks shiny, too.” I knew from the research I had done that people suffering from Bi-Polar disorder frequently reported that during a manic high things did indeed appear bright and shiny. Studies had been done but a direct cause had never been medically established for this symptom. “Thank you, Sam. I like your aura, too. You know, I’ve got some extra journals and pens in my back pack back inside the tunnel. Would it help you to have one? That way when God whispers the recipes in you ear you can write them down and won’t have to try and remember them all in your head.” She smiled brilliantly. “Yes! Please, Can I have one?” “Of course you can, Sam. When we go back inside I will get it for you. Let’s swim a while longer then our clothes should be dry.” Without giving her a chance to answer I dove beneath the surface and swam further out leaving her behind me. I wanted a little time alone before going back to the garden. I swam for a while until I grew tired letting my mind go blank and forget for the briefest moment everything except for the concept of breathing. After some time I emerged from the river and dressed. Sam followed my lead and we walked together back inside the tunnel . She continued to chatter away but by then I tuned most of it out and responded with only the appropriate nod or shake of the head when needed.

To be continued….

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Fragments(17)

Sara — Thu, 17 Feb 2011 15:31:32 +0000

Time. I had spent too much of it on this shadow already. I told myself I was too far in to quit now but the truth was I didn’t want to. In theory I could easily just get up and leave, walk away….never look back…like I had done with the others before when I grew tired of the game but in reality Kyle had a hold over me that I couldn’t break. I had never become so attached to a shadow before and I didn’t know what it was about Kyle that drew me in so deep but I would see this through to the end, whatever that was. I wanted to help him, save him, but I also wanted to know him like I wondered if anyone before me ever had. Just like the song I had played in my Father’s office he was my obsession, my fetish, my desire. I wasn’t willing to give up. I would win. I would take him home with me like some kind of prize. I would own him. I had a vision of him locked in a cage like some beautiful songbird trapped with no escape but that wasn’t my intent. I wouldn’t hold him against his will but I would will him to love me. I chose to see myself as his savior instead of his tormentor. How could it be wrong to take him away from this place, make him whole again, give him everything he could possibly want? In the end it would be up to him if he stayed with me or left but I vowed to myself that I would win him over however I had to. I would use his weaknesses, his vulnerabilities, his mental affliction…nothing was sacred. Did that make me a monster? My Father would have said yes but I lived in a different world. Much like the Garden People I played by my own rules and this was a game I wasn’t willing to lose.

As I was thinking these thoughts I had been unaware that my hand was moving the pen across the blank page before me. I laughed out loud when I saw that I had made a drawing. It was a rough sketch of a knife. The ink in the pen was blue. Blue was a color that was significant in my life for reasons unclear and I always felt that where ever there was blue it must be accompanied by a flash of green. Blue and green crashing together, creating a beautiful waterfall. My first love’s eyes had been the crystal clear blue of pristine oceans. My own eyes were green like emeralds. I could still remember the first time I saw him, the first time our eyes met and the blue and green of them had crashed together, creating a fire so intense, it couldn’t be ignored. Kyle’s eyes were the same color blue but of an ocean unknown. I reached up and plucked a leaf off a tree and put it in my mouth. I removed it and rolled it around in my fingers to distribute the wetness. As I rubbed it on the page faint traces of green pigment transferred to the paper and I could feel the blue ink rejoicing in the wholeness it created. I closed the journal and looked up. Kyle was no longer writing in his but staring straight at me. I quickly looked away as if I had not noticed.

To be continued…..

Fragments(16)

Sara — Thu, 17 Feb 2011 05:32:06 +0000

I watched as Kyle walked past me without even a glance in my direction. They were all up and moving around like methodical ants in the same mass exodus from the tunnel to the fresh air of the Garden that occurred every morning. My stomach growled and I remembered the delivery that was supposed to have been made roughly two days ago. If the vendor had left it with no one there to receive it there was a strong possibility it would now be in the hands of other random street people who weren’t above stealing to survive but still considered themselves too good for this place. The vendor had my credit card on file so more than likely he had dumped it all on the street side and left. I got up and went outside to find Joe. I would take him with me in case it was still there so he could organize the others to bring it all in. If it was gone then fuck it. I would have to leave the Garden and go to a payphone and re-order but it was only money and money was the least of my worries. I found Joe and we went to the designated delivery spot and were relieved to see the supplies were sitting there untouched. I left him to deal with it and went back inside the tunnel to the storage room and got a granola bar and bottle of water. I couldn’t really remember the last time I had eaten anything. Afterwards I set off for the room, Leo’s room, to dispose of the bloody rags and blanket. As I entered I thought of Morgan and all that had happened between us. I couldn’t help but wonder where he was. I sensed that where ever he was he was okay and that was all that really mattered. The blood was mostly just a reddish stain on the concrete floor now. There was nothing more I could do without bleach and it seemed less offensive now that it was no longer wet. It was Leo’s legacy in a way. All that was left of a life ended too soon. All that was left of what Morgan and I had shared. The bad mixed with the good creating a middle ground of something that now seemed tolerable. I decided the best way to dispose of the blanket and rags would be to simply throw them in the river so I gathered them up and headed out for the spot of the ceremony. On my way there I passed Kyle and the others in the Garden. He was sitting off to himself under a tree writing in his journal. I wondered what he was writing and if I would ever know. He needed space from me and I was going to give it to him.

At the river bank I stopped before throwing it all in. Me and my damn rituals. Why couldn’t I just pitch the stuff in like anyone else would have done? I always seemed to feel more than most people. It was a curse but I had gotten use to living with it. I spread the blanket out and put the rags in a pile in the middle then folded the blanket over much like the cocoon of death I had made for Leo’s body. I picked it up and held it while thinking about Leo and some of the things others had said about him at the river ceremony then I flung it as hard as I could into the deep and rapidly moving water. I stood and watched it for the few seconds it took before it had disappeared from sight. In my mind I imagined it floating downstream and somehow managing, 2 days later, to catch up with Leo’s body, as if he had stopped and was waiting for the little piece of him that was missing before letting go, giving up, and continuing his river journey to the sea.

I left the river bank and went back to my area in the tunnel, passing through the Garden without even looking to see who was where or doing what. I opened my backpack, removing a pen and one of the journals I had brought with me and walked back outside to the Garden. Kyle was still in the same spot, still writing away at what I deemed to be the answer to all of my questions. I deliberately picked a spot far away but right in his line of vision where, if he looked up, he would no doubt be unable to avoid noticing I was there. I leaned against the remnant of a brick wall and opened the blank journal, propping it on my knees. I held the pen in my fingers, twirling it, wondering what I would write on the empty pages before me. This was part of the plan. This was the plan before everything had gotten so sidetracked. My thinking was that it would create some kind of bond with Kyle. He would see it as something we shared in common and perhaps even be curious about my writings as well. It had seemed like a good plan before I had made the mistake of rushing into the disastrous mirror technique.Would it have the same effect even though it was a far less aggressive maneuver? Only time would tell.

To be continued…..

You Can Make a Difference

Sara — Tue, 15 Feb 2011 20:28:43 +0000

Fragments(15)

Sara — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 16:38:33 +0000

“Get off of me, Kyle. The voices in your head aren’t real. I am and you’re hurting me.” He raised his body up but sat on the floor still close to me. “How would you know if they are real or not? You don’t know anything about them. You don’t know anything about me, either.” I knew I had made a mistake. What had I been thinking? My impulsive actions had backfired and I was going to have to scramble to get out of this without leaving more distance between us than already existed. “You’re right, Kyle. I don’t…but I would like to.” Another risk…being so blunt. I was digging my own hole. He looked confused. “Why? We are nothing to each other.” Leave it, I told myself. In his eyes that was true. He had no idea that my world revolved around him. I stood to move back to my area but he wasn’t done. “You think disposing of a body together made us friends? You’re wrong. It made me sick. It didn’t seem to bother you in the least.” I was a little surprised by his feelings. “That’s not true.I told you why it had to be that way. Leo deserved more but we all did the best we could for him. It was harder for you because you haven’t been through it before.” I sunk back to the floor in my own area. I knew it was foolish but his words had hurt. He had no idea of how deeply I had felt the tragedy of Leo’s death or all I had done for him in the room when no one was watching. I shut my eyes to block it out and wished for the blanket I no longer had. I felt cold but knew it was more from the chill emanating from Kyle than the temperature in the tunnel. If only I had stayed in this spot earlier instead of trying out the ill-fated mirror technique. I felt like I was back at square one. Back to the first days after Kyle’s arrival to the Garden. Somehow in the midst of my self loathing misery I managed to drift back off to sleep and fell into a dream.

I was walking alone in a grassy field. There was a single tree and I could see something underneath it. I moved closer to investigate and saw it was a coffin, on a platform, not yet lowered into the open grave below it. There was a stack of large silvery metal tubes on the ground. They were about a foot long and 5 inches in diameter. They were hollow and open on one end. I picked up a mallet and began pounding them into the ground around the coffin, only to pull them back out again. As I pulled the last one out a vapor escaped and rose up through the air in a beautiful spiral-like dance. After only a few minutes it dissipated as I watched. I smiled and turned then walked into a burning barn behind me. The barn was fully engulfed in flames yet I was not afraid. Once inside the barn I woke up. The dream had been long, tedious and in color. Dreams with color are intense and in this dream I had seen the red-orange color of the flames. The coffin had been black. The shirt I wore was blue. I had no idea what any of it meant but it had gotten me through the night. It was morning and the Garden People, Kyle included, were starting to stir.

To be continued…

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